Bad Ritual
by lalarandoms
Summary: Amanda falls back into her bad ritual after being abandoned from only family, the only difference is that now she's a mother. [Rollins/Benson] OC- Lilly Amanda's daughter.
1. Chapter One

Please leave me a review letting me know what you think, I will truly appreciate that! Also, I apologize beforehand for any grammar mistakes and misspellings. This takes places after episode six of season seventeen- enjoy!

I do not own Law & Order SVU.

 _"_ _When you've seen it all_

 _It becomes so clear_

 _That each day can bring_

 _A new set of fears_

 _When you can't see the truth_

 _It's as bright as the darkness_

 _When the enemy's you_

 _It's as bright as the darkness"- Devil You Know_

Moonlight radiated her milk skin absorbing its warmth, finger nails clutching tight onto her bedsheets beneath her. Sandalwood mist swayed through the dark bedroom, leaving a foggy trail as the scent was slowly inhaled deeply into her lungs. She was floating as a loud desperate cry came from the other room, her mind lost in wonderland while her tiny frame became paralyzed. Ear piercing cries trembled through the walls sending motion waves into her inner core. Blue eyes flicker open observing the darkness mist, so heavy she was unable to see what was in front of her. Ears began to ring as the infant cries became louder, her head pounding from the last bottle of the liquid poison- she pop herself up to handle the situation.

Stumbling into kitchen she strains to open the fridge door, her mind dizzy and intoxicated. It was the same routine every night; the infant always getting her way. How she envies the little one, wishing life was as easy as the infants. Cries taunted her as she stumbles into the bedroom with bottle in hand, switching the light on with the other. Everything was blurry the light became her enemy, as the darkness became her friend- it was clearer in the dark..

"Please stop crying. "she begged the little infant as she lean over to hold her.

The little one's blue eyes staring back into hers, she was taunting her. Oh how this little creature looked so much like her, those eyes. Blue just like hers only the little ones was brighter with sparkle while hers was dark and empty. Her child taunted her.

She sat on the rocking chair with the baby in her arms, feeding the child. She felt cold and numb, what was once her reason for living is no more than a time consuming thing. The feeling was uncontrollable; she had good days but most of the time she felt numb and agitated. Looking down at the child in hand she felt love and hate; how things fell so out of control after her mother abandoned her.

She placed the peaceful sleeping infant back into the crib, making she was properly laid. Slowly walked out the bedroom shutting the light off and closing the door behind her. As the routine carried she made her way back to the kitchen; removing a bottle of Jack from the freezer. In the pitch black everything was right, everything was clear.

Blonde walks into her dark misty bedroom closing the door behind her. Inhaling the smooth aroma of sandalwood as it spreads with her veins. The Doors played softly in the background as it always reminded her of her childhood, her father and mother getting high while it played; they seemed happy. Ain't no rest for the wicked, sleepless night became normal. Insomnia became a friend along with the sense of hopelessness. It's comforting to know she had these friends transparent through her core; her mind began to float again. Oh how wonderland was dark blank space; she crawls to the middle of the bed bottle still in hand. She sat Indian style as her room spin in front of her and the tingling feeling raced up her fingertips.

The heavy feeling crushed her chest, that feeling of drowning- like a fish that was removed from water flopping around trying to oxygen. She inhales deeply trying to catch her breath, she giggled this feeling was too much comfort to fight. The blonde looks down the photograph in front of her sitting on her lap. Three blondes group together arms wrapped around one other waist, happy. Happiness that was rarely ever there for them three at once.

Her tiny cold hand wraps around the head of the Jake twisting the top off, as a salty tears ran down her cheek. Swallowing hard to fight it but no success. Bringing the bottle up to her, allowing her salty tear stain lips wrap around the top, the burning smooth gold liquid slid down her throat, burning her core.

"To family."

Her bad ritual continued.


	2. Chapter Two

Oh my gee, my little Rolivia heart exploded during the last scene of this new episode! I decided to go ahead and update this story today, as well as my other story! Please leave me reviews, I truly appreciate every one of them. Also it helps me know that I am doing right! Enjoy and take care! And of course, I do not own Law & Order SVU and it's characters. That's belongs to the genius Dick Wolf. Again, enjoy and leave a comment below!

 _"Something ugly this way comes_

 _Through my fingers sliding inside_

 _All these blessings all these burns_

 _I'm godless underneath your cover_

 _Search for pleasure search for pain_

 _In this world now I am undying_

 _I unfurl my flag my nation helpless" - David Usher_

The sun shined through the windows as it began to raise, her office was quiet and chill. Files on her desk became less along with the phone calls. Blood dragon scent filled her room, the aroma calmed her, and her coffee warmed her inside and out. The squad room was fill with dimmed lights, not one person has arrived yet. It was morning like these she knew everything was going to be alright. As the sun raised it began to warm her olive skin; leaning back on her seat shutting her brown eyes; relaxing even for a moment. Her moment of peace was interrupted by footsteps coming from the squad room. Her eyes began to scan thru the slight opened shades.

She observed closely at the little blonde, how she lost so much weight in so little tiny. Her morning routine was on point. Coming in early with dark shades on, hair almost a mess but partially done. Her milk skin became gray and her light blue eyes turned dark. The bag under her eyes told her whole story. Large regular coffee with double shot of espresso was her life support while she worked unless hours even after Olivia left. The brunette would be lying to herself if she said she wasn't worried. The blonde shoulder little to no emotion, her one word answers, and her lack of talk about her new born daughter Lilly. It scared her. Olivia heart ache and her skin became cold whenever she saw her dark blue eyes, the lack of emotion in them was terrifying. She knew the blonde was hurting over everything that had happened with her mother and sister, but deep down Olivia thought Amanda would have moved on by now. Clearly she was wrong.

Amanda heart beat became slow and her body became cold; her eyes focused on the desk in front of her. The burning sensation coming from the brunette's office was unwelcomed. Her mind became blank as her body shut down, pulling up her walls once again. She bites her bottom dry lips, forcing herself to look up and lock with the eyes who has been watching. Those brown eyes staring back, showing nothing but worries, how she missed those eyes but they were same ones that hurt her before. What was once welcoming, now became disgusting. Rushing through her heart was pure numbness, it ran through her bones and her veins. The welcoming tingly sensations vibrating rushing through her bones as her mind became cloudy. She closed her eyes, inhaled the imagery mist of hurt deeply into her lungs. The comfort feeling of drowning overcame her with each inhaled. The dark cloud above her became darker, she knew tonight was going to be a good night. But for now only numbness will get through this work day.

Her eyes flicked back up quickly locking once again with those eerie brown eyes staring at her. She hated it. Amanda needed to get anyway from the brunette, she felt hunted. She slips her coat back on quickly, turning her heels and began to walk out the squad room before her former was able to make a move. How she annoyed her with questions about the infant and if she was going okay since that day; that day haunts her. The cold winter air hits her milk skin but she feels nothing. Leaning against the wall staring at the street, her mind crosses questioning if anyone would even care if she walked into the oncoming traffic. How easy it would be just end this misery once and for all. End the hatred ran through her veins pumping into her numb heart. It would be so easy, wouldn't it?

She brings the lit cigarette to the lips, inhaling the mint poison into her lungs creating a black mask. Closing eyes allowing herself to censor the world around her, the noise of the traffic vibrated into her ears as she took another drag of the poison stick. Once again that uncomfortable presences radiated on her, not wanting to open her eyes since she knew who it was. Her body heat became shattering; it broke the blonde's numbness. It became torture, it was as if the warmth of her body heat drain her soul.

"Amanda?"

That voice who angelic and worrisome was sickening, creating her stomach acid to rise and pulse beat faster.

"What?" the blonde's tone cold vibrated off her lips.

Olivia watched the blonde starting at the street, those blue eyes never leaving the busy street in front of them. The smoke blew from her dry lips between each drag, her energy was blocked.

"Nothing." Olivia whispered

Olivia turned around and walked back into the building, she knew that the blonde didn't want to talk. There was nothing left to say.

Amanda finished her last drag before throwing the butt to the side. Her mind and the voices filled her body, and milk skin turn gray right before her eyes. Voices soft and sinister roamed her head, it was comforting. She began to walk straight, the traffic sound became distant and soft. Those voices repeating the commands to her over and over, it had to end. Hate filled her veins, she didn't care. It would be better this way, anyway.


	3. Chapter Three

Alright, so I decided to go ahead and poster chapter three. It's kind of short but it gets to point. I will try to add two chapters to two of my stories that I am currently writing, which will be Untitled and Formidable. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, and PLEASE leave me some reviews, it's kind downing not getting reviews. Thank you to everyone who do leave me reviews, I truly appreciate them! They honestly make my day. Have good Thanksgiving ( for all those to celebrate) and an good weekend! Take care.

Mr. Dick Wolf owns all rights to Law & Order SVU and the characters.

 **(**)**

" _I do not want to be afraid_

 _"I do not want to die inside just to breathe in_

 _I'm tired of feeling so numb_

 _Relief exists I find it when_

 _I am cut " - Plumb_

 **(**)**

One in the morning is the time of the day that the streets were quiet and peacefully dark. She walked with smoke in hand down the empty streets of her neighborhood, taking a drag from her cigarette. Replaying the event that happened earlier in the day, if it wasn't for Fin pulling her out; she probably wouldn't have been here right now. How deeply she hated him for that, all she wanted was it to end. The only thing she was actually grateful about was her babysitter taking Lilly overnight, though she had to lie saying she was working late.

The cold air hit her face turning her milk skin red and her eyes match the color of the sky, along with her inner core. There wasn't a single star in sight, it was as if her dark cloud completely masked her entire reality. Her mind was an utter blank, nothing but numbness and the need to drink. And those voices. The blonde continued walking about the streets until she stopped at her usual corner store. One last drag before throwing the butt on the side, she walked into the warm building. She made no eye contact with the clerk, he already knew her routine. No conversation, she never made any effort to even knowledge the man. It was the usual grab a bottle of Jack and twelve pack of beer, and head back to home. One would say she looked like a pretty blonde zombie walking down the street, looking lifeless.

Upon entering her apartment, she quickly made her way to the kitchen and places the bottle of jack into the freezer, and the pack of beer in the fridge. She removed her coat placing it on top of the counter before she cracked open a beer. The blonde turned around as she took a sip of the bottle, her eyes automatically met with the infant's bedroom. She walked into the bedroom slowly as if it was haunted, but it did feel haunted to her. Leaning against the door her eyes scanned the dark bedroom, she wonders how a mother could have more hate towards their child than love. Closing the door behind her, Amanda head to her living room.

She lit up a sandalwood incense and played same overplayed Doors album. The blonde sat down on her couch, allowing her back to rest comfortably onto the couch. Her mind once again became cloudy as her veins trembled with the beat of the music. The overwhelming feeling of sadness and hate filled her every core, she hasn't felt this way since her father left. Amanda inhaled deeply taking it in her favorite smell as it filled her lungs, hoping it would calm her energy. Her eyes closed as she envisions life to be better than what it has become. She has hoped that having Lilly would have brought her family closer, but everything fell apart. No, it was Lilly's fault but she was the closest thing that remind her of them. The blonde hair and those beautiful blue eyes, even her smile reminded Amanda of her mother. She did not want to feel this way about her own daughter but the feeling was overpowering. And the only way to get ruin of it was to drink it away.

One beer became another, and another, and another; which eventually it turned into a whole bottle of Jack being half gone. Her mind was running in circles much like the room around her as she sat on her couch completely numb. The voice in her head disappeared after the sixth beer and third shot of Jack but the suffocating feeling still cave in her chest. The incense died long ago but the smell still lingers in the air. Knocking on the front door startled the blonde, she leans in setting the jack on the top of her coffee table.

"The fuck?" she mumbled under her breath.

Getting up she stumbles to the door and begins to unlock it, without checking who it is. The door chain stops her from fully opening the door, the surprise of the jolt caused her to giggle and fall. She quickly in an unsubtle way gets up and removes the chain from the lock, this time allowing her to open the door completely. Her eyes land on to a pair of brown eyes, they were fuzzy but at this time everything around her was blurry.

" Wha—wha-What?" she slurred.

Olivia lets herself into the apartment building, the place was dark. The living was surround by empty beer bottles and harder liquors. The mist still lingered in the air causing the brunette to have little view, the music in the background vibrated into her ear. It wasn't the same warm homey feeling that she felt months ago. Her eyes quickly went into the baby's room, and she hurried in there to be met with an empty room.

"Where is Lilly?" she shouted from the bedroom

Amanda stood in the middle of the living room grabbing the bottle of jack, taking a shot from the bottle before answering the annoying brunette. "She's…she's.. sitters"

Olivia walks over to the Amanda and removed the bottle from the blonde's hand. They've had their fair share of drunken nights but she had never seen the blonde this drunk. Their eyes met once again, her bright blue eyes were pitch black, she couldn't read her soul. Her milk soft was now turned gray, her once soft lips were dried up and discolored. The brunette placed her hand on the blonde's bare arm, she winced at how cold the blonde felt. It was at every moment she realized Amanda was in a much darker place that anyone had imagine.

"Amanda" Olivia whisper softly

The blonde couldn't stand staring into the brunette's brown eyes, the feeling of the brunette trying to read her was upsetting. Her stomach acid was raising and her nerves began to hike up, she was shaking. She felt sick. Maybe it was all the drinking but with those brown eyes starting at you back with nothing but pity was what truly triggered her sickness. Those same brown eyes that not so long along looked at her with such awe. Unable to hold it any longer, she runs into the bathroom and falls onto her knees. Her face met close with the toilet bowl as her body forcefully threw up every piece of vile. She felt warm presences near her, and a pair of soft hands pull back her hair while the other rubbed her back. She couldn't fight anymore, she allowed this affection for the moment.

The blonde coughed out her last vile into the bowl, she turned her head to meet again with those brown eyes. She didn't have the strength to fight the brunette off, everything around her was blurry and spinning. The blonde stood back up with the help of the brunette, the blue eyes watch carefully as the brunette turned her shower on. The touch of the warm pair of hands on her made her wince, weak she allowed brown eye girl strip her naked. She could feel those eyes staring at her fragile body. With help Amanda stepped into her tub as the warm water hit her delicate skin.

Her eyes remained close and her head fell down in shame and pure drunkenness, she could feel the brunette grab a wash rag from the small closet in the bathroom. The blonde felt pathetic as the brunette began to wash her down with soap, cleaning her up. She was frozen and her mind was foggy as she felt the brunette soapy hand with the rag wander and wash onto her most private places. Her hair started to smell like strawberries instead of beer and smoke, and the gray from her skin was washed away. The blonde opened her mouth widen as the brunette brushed her teeth, and it wasn't till then she felt her lowest.

Olivia walked the blonde into the bedroom, which upon turning on the light she was met with empty bottles once again. Ignoring the mess around the room, she grabs a pair of pantie and oversized shirt from the drawer. She handed Amanda the pantie but she was too out of it to able to slid on them herself. After quickly sliding on the pantie, she puts the shirt onto the blonde who was there standing with little balance. Olivia removed her gym shoes before turning off the lights .

The blonde could the brunette's gentle touch, the way she guided her onto her own bed. Her skin met once again on the cool sheets as her head softy hits the pillow. She felt brunette crawl on to the bed and sink into lying next to her. The touch of brunettes soft hands was comforting as it caressed her cheek after it tucked her blonde lock behind her ear. Amanda turned around and her back fit perfectly next on to Olivia's front like a puzzle. Before her eyes forcefully shut, she felt Olivia's arm lay across her stomach bringing her closer into a spooning position.

Amanda's body gave up after playing war with itself. She fell peacefully asleep with tight arm wrapped around her, protecting her from herself.


End file.
